You see, the thing is, I have “Daddy issues”
And “mommy issues” too, but we’ll get to that some other time.
Where does a father learn to be one?
To whom is he accountable?
I’m not quite sure, but I’m certain my father doesn’t answer to me.
So like so many other dads, living and dead
There is a begrudged question mark
For me, it’s been there 14 years
Like a neon sign
Glaring at that hollow place
Where my father’s love once was
And I’m not so certain of how much he cares.
Life has tainted my view of these things
Deep down, I know he’s a good man,
who made selfish choices
But it’s taken a decade to work through these feelings of abandonment
A decade to tackle my deepest fears of being
unwanted, unloved, disfigured
Taking down these insecurities, one by one
Dismantling each useless lie.
I have to choose to forgive, today,
tomorrow, and every other day.
You see, the anger and resentment
drives you, but never quenches
And so I yearn, and pine
Longing to be restored to him
Hoping continually, blindly, earnestly
that the pain will go away.
Mind you, what time couldn’t heal
God patched up, and sealed.
Sealed from the inside out
with the pitch & tar of His Word
and the sealant of His love
This work done patiently and precisely,
Bonding the most secret parts
Where I hide my tear-filled and anxious questions
Where light hasn’t touched for years
and darkness is afraid to hide.
Where the sounds of anguish have been finally replaced.
I have found other battles to fight,
and I am stronger for the tussle
It’s no bother,
My spirit has triumphed over a black hole
Daddy’s little girl may just be a star after all.